Saturday, December 25, 2004

Holiday School: The Christmas Session

Class Is In Session!
Filed from "Owls Home" near Tamassee, South Carolina.

As it is Christmas Day, regular school is in recess, and the building is empty. In an effort to maximize resources and make the fullest use of school facilities, there will be a special session of classes held Today. The following students have been referred to attend this session, as their grades are less than satisfactory, and are in need of further instruction. Some are otherwise outstanding students that have just hit "a little bump in the road," and others are incorrigible misfits that need to be expelled.

  1. President George Bush: Continues to receive an "F" in Current Affairs 101 for not completing his project titled "Catching or Killing Osama Bin Laden." This student may still receive a passing grade for the semester if he completes his project A.S.A.P.
  2. Ex-Democratic Nominee John Kerry: This student received an "F" in Charm Class because he has not yet grasped the patrician concept of losing with grace. [Teacher's note to the student: "C'mon, John, rich liberal Hippocrats that summer in Nantucket don't cry about personal set-backs, they get drunk and take rides with gorgeous young blondes over bridges in Chappaquiddick. Let's get it together, mister!"]
  3. Hillary, The Countess of Chappaqua: The Countess is receiving an "F" in her Charm Class due to the fact that she is unable to successfully hide her delight in the fact that John Kerry lost his bid to be President, thus opening the way for (what will certainly be) her equally unsuccessful attempt in 2008.
  4. United Nations Autocrat Kofi Annan: This pupil gets an "F" in Leadership 101 due to cheating. Students are reminded that it is inappropriate to steal money from the class treasury and give it to various relatives.
  5. "Businessman" Kojo Annan: The 29-year-old student gets an "F" in Ethics 101 for receiving cash payments for services not rendered. [Teacher's note to Kojo: "We would send a note home to your father, but..."]
  6. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield: This student has received an "F" in Wartime Economics for not putting American industry on a 24/7 war footing in order to produce the weapons and vehicles needed by our troops at the front.
  7. Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge: This pupil receives an "F" in Civil Defense 101 for failing to stem the invasion of illegal immigrants. Our out-of-control borders puts the country in extreme danger of being infiltrated by terrorists.
  8. New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd: MoDo receives an "F" in Animal Husbandry 101 for failing to grasp the cause of her extreme bitterness toward life in general and men in particular. She has also failed to follow directions for the successful remedy of her problem, as outlined by a variety of our faculty members. Dowd also receives an "F" in Minority Studies for threatening to "Rip his (Frosty the Snowman.) frozen face off." Because of Maureen's intolerance of climatically challenged minorities (snowmen) she is the recipient of the Dunce Cap for this session of Holiday School. She is also directed to enroll in a class to address her issues of anger management.

All the aforementioned students are directed to report to school no later then 8:15 AM, on the day indicated, for remedial instruction. Readers are invited to suggest other individuals that need to be enrolled for the next Holiday School session, which will be held Saturday, January 1, 2005.

Merry Christmas From The 'Wonks!