Thursday, November 25, 2004

Students Needing To Attend Holiday School: Thanksgiving Edition

Class Is In Session!
As it is Thanksgiving Day, regular school is in recess, and the building is empty. In an effort to maximize resources and make the fullest use of school facilities, there will be a special session of classes held on Thanksgiving. The following students have been referred to attend this session, as their grades are less than satisfactory, and are in need of further instruction.

  1. President George Bush: Is receiving an "F" in Current Affairs 101 for not completing his project titled "Catching or Killing Osama Bin Laden." This student may still receive a passing grade for the course if he completes his project A.S.A.P.
  2. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger: Did not pass his introductory class in fiscal responsibility owing to the fact that California still faces an 8 billion dollar deficit and a redundant, burgeoning, and out-of-control educational bureaucracy.
  3. Democratic Nominee John F Kerry: Earned an "F" in Government 101 due to the fact that his essays entitled "My Plan For America," and "How I Will Win The War" were not clearly written, and thus failed to engage/persuade readers. He may need to repeat the course in order to earn a passing grade.
  4. Representative Nancy (San Fran Nan) Pelosi: Got an "F" in her strategic planning class for being unable to help assemble a broad coalition of voters in order to forge a united party for the purpose of defeating a weakened incumbent president. She also gets an "F" in her public relations course for certain remarks made after the election.
  5. Principal Patricia Vidmar: Administratrix in the Cupertino, California School District, who received an "F" in school administration class for not satisfactorily addressing the concerns of one of her teachers regarding the use of The Declaration Of Independence as a teaching aid. This oversight by Vidmar has enabled the situation to escalate out of control.
  6. N.E.A. President Reg Weaver: This pupil received an "F" in business, because he continues to invest throw away his union's syndicate's funds supporting unsuccessful political campaigns, and has failed to back even one "winning horse."
  7. The United States Congress: Collectively flunked their course in Civics 101 by not declaring war on Terrorism and abdicating this responsibility to the Executive Branch. They also receive a "0" in Military Science 101 for choosing not to mobilize the American people in support of the war effort.
  8. Indiana Pacer Ron Artest: Earned an "F" in physical education due to his pivotal role in accelerating a minor fracas into one of the most disgraceful episodes in the history of American professional sports.
  9. Dr. Phil McGraw: Gets an "F" is science, due to his failure to grasp the scientific principles of "over-exposure."
  10. Donald Trump: He has earned an "F" in Accounting 101 for allowing his firm to slip into bankruptcy. Secondly, this pupil receives an "F" in logic, as he has publicly declared that the bankruptcy was a "Success." Lastly, Trump gets an "F" in science for also failing to grasp the fundamental concepts of "over-exposure." With three "F"s on his report card, Trump receives the "Dunce Cap" for this session.

All the aforementioned students are directed to report to school no later then 8:15 AM, on the day indicated, for remedial instruction. Readers are invited to suggest other individuals that need to be enrolled for the next special school session.

Update: In his 26th Show Trial, The Commissar has also assembled a list of persons that are in need of correction, and has given us teachers an idea or two regarding the punishment of certain students....