Sunday, October 17, 2004

Teresa Watch: Weekly Round-up 10/10-10/16

The Lovely Couple

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that Teresa doesn't like the term "First Lady." According to the paper, Teresa gave an interview to Harper's Bazaar. When asked by that magazine what she thought of the title, Teresa disdainfully responded, "Ick." (The EdWonk would happily encourage Teresa to select another title, as First Lady is probably not appropriate for her. The label First Consort comes to mind.....)

In the evening, while speaking on his radio show, Matt Drudge brought forth additional details about the strange ceremonies and rituals over at the Heinz mansion near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Matt shared with us that when she married into the Heinz family, her father-in-law daubed catsup on her forehead as a way of welcoming Teresa into the "family." One of our Operatives has intimated to us that Teresa reciprocated by teaching Mr. Heinz a couple of spells.

In hopes of limiting the damage done by her legendary utterances, Democratic operatives continue to follow their strategy of keeping Teresa out of battleground states and limiting her appearances to small venues with friendly audiences. The
Associated Press reported that Teresa gave a speech to a small crowd in McAllen, Texas. It remains unknown at this time if the rumor is true that Teresa actually condescended to eat a salad in the town McDonald's.

Earlier in the day, the wife of the wannabe "man of the people" was the guest of honor at a $1000 per plate fundraiser. (Your EdWonk has not yet determined if those were free range chickens.)

A TipWonk alerted us that Teresa was taking the day off having additional hair, manicure, and Botox "work" done at a clinic in swank Newport Beach, California. This is the first non-fundraising trip that either Teresa or her husband has made to the most populous state in the nation since February. As California is considered the Holy See of liberalism, John Kerry's Democratic handlers understand that the only California liberals that John and Teresa actually like can easily afford to come and visit them at the beach house in Nantucket.

Teresa wore red to the final Presidential Debate. Doubtless, Democratic strategists had carefully schemed in order for Teresa to sit in the dark. Doubtless, this was to cover the strained looks on her face that the cameras could not quite hide, while the Debate was in progress.

During the course of the debate, John Kerry remarked that he had married "up." This caused laughter in the WonkGroup the was monitoring the event. The Group's consensus is that he married her for her money, and she married another Famous Name.

After her husband's remarks were finished, Teresa made a point of giving First Lady Laura Bush an enveloping hug. (It is not known if any exorcists were summoned as a result of the physical contact.)


The Candidate's wife made an appearance in Reno, Nevada. Speaking to a friendly crowd of about 6oo, Teresa told people how to treat arthritis. Her prescription: "You get some gin and get some white raisins--only white raisins--and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day."

When asked if she had any research supporting her medical advice, Teresa retorted, "How would I know, I go to a doctor in Switzerland when my arthritis bothers me; I told one of the housekeepers about the raisins so she would stop pestering me about providing health insurance."

A Confidential Source has revealed to EdWonk that Teresa lost a bundle in Toby Harrah's Casino. She then ran amok in gaming area loudly accusing the casino of fraud. The Source said that Teresa displayed a definite predilection for $25.00 slot machines.

After the appearance, Teresa and her entourage traveled in Teresa's private jet, The Flying Squirrel (The EdWonk still finds that name absolutely hilarious.) to Des Moines, Iowa.

Teresa and her husband appeared in a campaign rally (again) in Des Moines, Iowa. EdWonk has been reliably informed that this is Kerry's 136th visit to the state of Iowa in the past 3 months, and that he has eaten dinner with each and every family in 43 of Iowa's 59 counties.

In yet another example of a Friday Document Dump, part of Teresa's long awaited Federal income tax returns were finally released. We learned that Teresa made over 2.5 million dollars last year, much of it tax free. The Education Wonks were disappointed that the returns did not include what must undoubtedly be a very interesting set of "charitable" deductions.

In a Saturday afternoon press-release (published on-line) the
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette gave an in-depth account as to what life would be like around Pittsburgh in the event that Kerry wins the Presidency. The citizenry of Pittsburgh would be subjected to a variety of life-routine modifications, including overbearing security and road closures around the couple's Fox Chapel Estate.

One of our Insiders has whispered to EdWonk that the local bike repair shop is looking forward to actually seeing and maintaining Kerry's $5000 mountain bike.

To Confidential In Des Moines: Her full name is: Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry. (I hope that helps--EdWonk)

Is it real? Or is it satire? You decide...