Monday, July 11, 2005

Cruel And Unusual Punishment In Tamassee, South Carolina

While on vacation, we become a one-television family. This is because we are in the mountains, and when it's not raining, or it's not too hot, we're outside doing stuff. So we get by just fine with one set and an old-fashioned outdoor antenna-on-a-pole. It was raining Saturday evening, so we were indoors.

And both the WifeWonk and the TeenWonk forced me to watch the Miss South Carolina beauty pageant.

This happened because I made the mistake of going outside and turning the antenna to the wrong direction at the wrong time. When the WifeWonk excitedly told me to stop turning, I went inside, and immediately realized the Awful Thing that I had brought upon myself. If I just hadn't of turned that antenna clockwise...

As we were in the deep woods, and it was raining, I knew that there would be no escape. Outnumbered, and in obedience to their instructions, I resigned myself to my fate and took up station at the WifeWonk's side.

Now, I can appreciate pretty women as much as the next Wonk, but do the contestants all have to be bone-skinny, with razor-sharp cheekbones, and stand 9 ft 3 inches in stiletto heels? The smiles are frightening. Are all beauty pageant entrants equipped with extra teeth?

It's as though there is a "formula" or "profile" that dictates what constitutes a beautiful woman, and it's the formula that turned me off to these contests a long time ago. It seems as though only women that fit the profile have any chance at all in these pageants, and women not fitting into this formula don't bother to compete.

Where is it written that a woman must be at least 8 feet 11 inches tall (in flats) in order to win a major pageant? It must be written somewhere, because I can't remember seeing a winner that was of average height (or less).

I must be one of the few straight males in North America that doesn't care for beauty pageants. I'm mystified why both the WifeWonk and TeenWonk find them so engrossing.

Most amusing moment: When I learned the "cause" of Miss Beaufort-Jasper County: "Helping Young Adults Overcome a Negative Body Image" (Honest! see for yourself.)

At some point during the ceremonies, I dozed off, which was a mistake. As if to punish me for my impertinence, the WifeWonk awakened me with a jab in the ribs at the moment that
we had a winner.

As with everything else, a turned antenna can have some unforeseen consequences.
Rain is in the forecast...
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